One Born Every Minute?

So why is it so hard for me?

An early blog this morning, but I need to share.

This morning, as every morning, I took my temperature. This morning it had gone right down to almost the cover line. Anyone who has charted while TTC will know that at 10 DPO that's bad news:

If conception and implantation did not occur in a cycle, the BBT will drop near or below coverline the day before or the day of the start of AF. This is due to the degradation of the corpus luteum and the subsequent drop in progesterone levels.

It's for this reason that I sat at my dressing table this morning, looking at my pathetic face in the mirror, trying to apply make up with tears streaming down my face. I couldn't cry out loud because if I had I might not have stopped.

What's wrong with me?

Who is trying to punish me and for what?

Am I ever going to have another baby?

I don't know if I can do this anymore. The emotional rollercoaster will make me ill. I think it's already part of the reason I'm the thinnest I've ever been (without trying!!)

I know all the logical and rational reasons, but it doesn't help. The reasons don't give me a baby. I just want to have a baby. All these emotions are actually hardening me. I'm shutting them off because I can't deal with them. I feel like if I open the door to them then they'll flood in so quickly I won't be able to cope with them.

I don't want to be hard.

I just want to be me.